Monday, April 13, 2009
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Lucid Dreams = Violent Paranoia
I had nightmares last night... vivid, real and scary.
Dream #1: Hallucinations
In the dream, I felt like I was awake but I knew I was dreaming. Tiste asked me if I was okay and I said that I couldn't wake-up and that I was dreaming while being awake. He told me to tell him what I saw... So, he took me room by room (in a house I don't live in) while I explained that there was a dead man sitting at the kitchen table, an orange cat eating out of a dish on the floor and that the dresser had skeleton hands to hold up one of the shelves... And, many more disgusting and terrible things I won't go into. The entire time Tiste is stand behind me and has his hands on my shoulders and is just talking to me. When things start to go downhill - water rushing through the house, the dead man coming into the room menacingly - He tells me urgently to wake-up. I try and try as the house is collapsing and the sun through the roof is burning my eyes. Finally, I am able to force myself out of the dream and come to consciousness for mere seconds before I'm shoved (yes, shoved is how it feels) back into the world of dreaming.
Dream #2: Visions
After I'm back into the world of dreaming, I'm standing in the same house as before but now I think I'm awake. Everything's in order and no one is around. I walk into the living room looking for Tiste when someone comes up behind me and puts their hands on my shoulders. I turn around thinking it's Tiste and, to my horror, discover it's my ex-husband Gary. Gary starts talking to me - crying, angry and upset. He's angrier than I've ever seen him and his fingers are griping my shoulders too tight. I'm in pain and I start to cry. I yell at Gary to get out and leave me alone. Then I realize that Gary has taken over Tiste's body (like a shape-shifter, kind of) and now I'm angry, scared and mad. I start hitting Gary, punching him in the gut, face and chest, telling him to let go of Tiste. As I hit him, he starts to shimmer and flashes of color move across his face. His face distorts until he's half-Gary and half-Tiste, and Tiste is pleading to be let go. That part was more than a little disturbing and I realize that I am, again, dreaming. I beginning what feels like the longest process of waking myself up. In the dream I begin to 'ascend' as I pull myself from the horribleness. I don't wake-up this time but immediately interject myself into another dream.
Dream #3: Stuff
Suddenly I'm in wrought-iron bed with Tiste in a kind sized bed with white sheets and a huge white comforter. We're holding each other and I'm crying. Apparently we've been having some kind of intense discussion. I throw myself out of the bed and attempt to leave the room. He comes for me, holds me gently and comforts me in only the way that I know he is tender and loving. His sweet face and eyes that hide under his hard shell. He wraps his arms around me, tells me he loves me and that everything will be fine. Then he draws back, puts his hands over my arms and looks me in the eyes with his sweet face and tells me that's it's okay, I just need to tell him. Tell him what I ask. I know now that I'm dreaming but I'm confused and don't understand why he thinks I need to confess anything. He know, everything. He knows the deepest dark - the good and the bad, I've never lied to him. He tells me, it's okay but I need to tell him why I went through his things. Again, I don't understand why he thinks I've done this as I have never gone through his things. We have few secrets from each other and even then they aren't secrets. I'm still crying while I tell him I don't understand this accusations and I would never and have never gone through his things. He keeps holding me gently, looking at me lovingly and telling me that it's okay, he won't hold it against me. I'm really upset now and I force myself awake.
And then...
I wake-up and I'm in my bed, I'm on my side (the way I usually sleep) and my arms are tucked in around me and my pillows and they hurt. I take a deep breath but all I can manage is a whimper, I can't move my arms or my legs - only my mouth. Finally, I'm able to make more noises and call for Tiste to wake-up. He does, immediately, and tried to roll me over towards him. I still can't move my legs but my upper body is working. I turn to him as much as possible, on the verge of tears and sleep. Finally, I can move my legs and I turn completely into him and bury my face in his chest. He holds me, and shakes me to keep me from falling back to sleep. He checks the clock and we discover it's only be about an hour that we've been asleep. He makes me get up and walk around the house, tell him about the dreams. Meanwhile, I feel completely paranoid and in my mind my dreams haven't shut off so I'm seeing traces of the dreams in my head even though I'm awake and know I'm not *really* seeing them. Tiste kept me awake for 20-minutes then put me back to bed and turned on the TV (for some reason this usually helps) and set the timer. I was out shortly after we went back to bed. I was extremely exhausted this morning when I woke-up. And, I'm extremely unhappy about my nightmares.
Dream #1: Hallucinations
In the dream, I felt like I was awake but I knew I was dreaming. Tiste asked me if I was okay and I said that I couldn't wake-up and that I was dreaming while being awake. He told me to tell him what I saw... So, he took me room by room (in a house I don't live in) while I explained that there was a dead man sitting at the kitchen table, an orange cat eating out of a dish on the floor and that the dresser had skeleton hands to hold up one of the shelves... And, many more disgusting and terrible things I won't go into. The entire time Tiste is stand behind me and has his hands on my shoulders and is just talking to me. When things start to go downhill - water rushing through the house, the dead man coming into the room menacingly - He tells me urgently to wake-up. I try and try as the house is collapsing and the sun through the roof is burning my eyes. Finally, I am able to force myself out of the dream and come to consciousness for mere seconds before I'm shoved (yes, shoved is how it feels) back into the world of dreaming.
Dream #2: Visions
After I'm back into the world of dreaming, I'm standing in the same house as before but now I think I'm awake. Everything's in order and no one is around. I walk into the living room looking for Tiste when someone comes up behind me and puts their hands on my shoulders. I turn around thinking it's Tiste and, to my horror, discover it's my ex-husband Gary. Gary starts talking to me - crying, angry and upset. He's angrier than I've ever seen him and his fingers are griping my shoulders too tight. I'm in pain and I start to cry. I yell at Gary to get out and leave me alone. Then I realize that Gary has taken over Tiste's body (like a shape-shifter, kind of) and now I'm angry, scared and mad. I start hitting Gary, punching him in the gut, face and chest, telling him to let go of Tiste. As I hit him, he starts to shimmer and flashes of color move across his face. His face distorts until he's half-Gary and half-Tiste, and Tiste is pleading to be let go. That part was more than a little disturbing and I realize that I am, again, dreaming. I beginning what feels like the longest process of waking myself up. In the dream I begin to 'ascend' as I pull myself from the horribleness. I don't wake-up this time but immediately interject myself into another dream.
Dream #3: Stuff
Suddenly I'm in wrought-iron bed with Tiste in a kind sized bed with white sheets and a huge white comforter. We're holding each other and I'm crying. Apparently we've been having some kind of intense discussion. I throw myself out of the bed and attempt to leave the room. He comes for me, holds me gently and comforts me in only the way that I know he is tender and loving. His sweet face and eyes that hide under his hard shell. He wraps his arms around me, tells me he loves me and that everything will be fine. Then he draws back, puts his hands over my arms and looks me in the eyes with his sweet face and tells me that's it's okay, I just need to tell him. Tell him what I ask. I know now that I'm dreaming but I'm confused and don't understand why he thinks I need to confess anything. He know, everything. He knows the deepest dark - the good and the bad, I've never lied to him. He tells me, it's okay but I need to tell him why I went through his things. Again, I don't understand why he thinks I've done this as I have never gone through his things. We have few secrets from each other and even then they aren't secrets. I'm still crying while I tell him I don't understand this accusations and I would never and have never gone through his things. He keeps holding me gently, looking at me lovingly and telling me that it's okay, he won't hold it against me. I'm really upset now and I force myself awake.
And then...
I wake-up and I'm in my bed, I'm on my side (the way I usually sleep) and my arms are tucked in around me and my pillows and they hurt. I take a deep breath but all I can manage is a whimper, I can't move my arms or my legs - only my mouth. Finally, I'm able to make more noises and call for Tiste to wake-up. He does, immediately, and tried to roll me over towards him. I still can't move my legs but my upper body is working. I turn to him as much as possible, on the verge of tears and sleep. Finally, I can move my legs and I turn completely into him and bury my face in his chest. He holds me, and shakes me to keep me from falling back to sleep. He checks the clock and we discover it's only be about an hour that we've been asleep. He makes me get up and walk around the house, tell him about the dreams. Meanwhile, I feel completely paranoid and in my mind my dreams haven't shut off so I'm seeing traces of the dreams in my head even though I'm awake and know I'm not *really* seeing them. Tiste kept me awake for 20-minutes then put me back to bed and turned on the TV (for some reason this usually helps) and set the timer. I was out shortly after we went back to bed. I was extremely exhausted this morning when I woke-up. And, I'm extremely unhappy about my nightmares.
Lunch 04.08.09
Ted saved me from a lonely lunch and called me to come out and have sushi at Nara. Of course, I had to go! I wasn't let down by the sushi or the company! :)
I need to remember to take photos of Chef Eric's beautiful sushi... *sigh*
I need to remember to take photos of Chef Eric's beautiful sushi... *sigh*
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Family
Last night I had an extremely hard time sleeping; Tiste and I stayed up talking until 2AM about family histories and stories. We just found out that his uncle, Jerome, passed away yesterday. The funeral is Friday at 1pm; we are currently unaware of the location but will be somewhere in Norfolk, Portsmouth or Suffolk probably.
The universe has ways of forcing us to reflect during the strangest times.
The universe has ways of forcing us to reflect during the strangest times.
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